Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
