i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
