I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
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I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.