I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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