I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
