Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
