I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
