Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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