you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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