I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
We smell like vodka and hangover
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
