I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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