peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Randomize
