this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need to wash the frat house off of me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
