We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
