Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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