so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
