good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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