Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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