i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
