i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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