I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
