She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
This house was built for laser tag.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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