I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
