Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
