I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The air was thick with penises
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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