I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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