Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
