I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
