i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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