I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
