I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
