he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
