I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
