im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
