i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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