mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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