I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
