I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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