We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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