if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
