Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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