You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
