if i can run in heels then i can drive
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
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