the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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