I CAN MOONWALK!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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