On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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