my mouth tastes like poor choices
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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