I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
this will be a night to untag.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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