So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
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