He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
