My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
