note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
