We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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