all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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