For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
