she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just high enough for therapy.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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