At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
