I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
